Breaking Up With Toxic People
I’ve been meaning to write this post for quite some time, but couldn’t really find the words on this topic.
Breaking up with toxic people, whether it be family members or friends, is not an easy task, but it can be done. I come from a situation where I had to break away from family that were just not healthy for me any longer. I will share with you tips on how you can do it, and tools that you can reflect on to think back on why you need to do what’s best for you FIRST and FOREMOST.
Understand it’s NOT your fault- This was a big one for me because I care about my family a lot and breaking up with them was very challenging to say the least. However, realizing that it’s not you, its them, is really a game-changer. Trust me, it has nothing to do with you. When people treat you a certain way, that’s on them and NO ONE else.
You will be okay- It’s not easy to stop talking to people that have been in your life since, well, birth, but it can be done. And guess what? YOU WILL BE OKAY. Yes, you heard that right. You REALLY will! It will take time and there will be moments that you will be reminded of them, but let those moments pass and understand that you have YOU and that’s the most valuable tool you’ve got.
Family is not always everything- I always thought that family meant everything and no matter what they do to you, they are still “family”. Well, guess what? Yes, they are your family, but NO you don’t owe your life to those people. These people brought you into this world, but that does not mean you need to live every second of your life with them if they make you feel bad about yourself! Life is precious and it’s just not fair to you. Do yourself a favor, and realize that the only person you need is yourself. You will meet the right friends and you can create your own family!
Stop feeling guilty- Seriously! Stop it! Right now! You need to let go of that guilt for once and for all because it is serving you NO purpose, whatsoever. As I said in number 1, it is NOT your fault, so let go of the guilt! People who are toxic can’t help it and they are who they are. There’s no reason to feel guilty for not living up to their expectations. You will probably never be good enough in their eyes, so who cares? Let them go and move on with your life.
You are stronger than you think- I say this with such passion because it’s true! You don’t realize it yet and it may take you a long while, but you really are SO STRONG! Letting go of toxic people is a big challenge especially when it’s people you’ve known for years and you think you’re the one to blame, but you’ve got the strength to let go of those who do not serve you well. Your energy is precious and you need to use that energy to build your empire! Build yourself up. It may take days, weeks, months, years, but you will do it and you will be SO happy you did. Seriously, you’ve got this!
Be selective of who you let into your circle- Letting go of toxic people, you may attract people that remind you of them back into your life without realizing it. I want you to be SUPER selective about who you bring into your home, into your personal life, and into your personal space. You can have as many acquaintances as you wish, but as far as bringing people into your personal space, that’s a WHOLE other ball game. Take it slow when meeting new people, not because you’ve been hurt before, but because that hurt has made you that much smarter. Let your past be there as a guide so you can eliminate toxic people out of your life for GOOD.
Know you are NOT the only one- When I broke up with certain family members, I thought I was the only one going through it. I really did! For months, I felt like I was the only one that went through the things that I did and no one could understand me. Boy, was I wrong! I couldn’t believe how many people have been in similar situations. Now, I’m there as a guide for those who are in similar scenarios that you will turn out ok! I’m not saying I’m an expert in this, but I love to help those who have gone through similar situations. It will take time, but you will be good. Everyone has their own story and everyone has their own way of dealing with things. You are NOT alone. I’m rooting for you. We’re in this together.
Wish them well- One thing that I like to do everyday is write down a gratitude list. I also like to visualize those that I care about, whether they are in my life or not, happy and well. When I think about those family members or people that have hurt me, I envision them smiling and living a good life. I don’t know if this actually does anything for them, but it does something for me. It makes me feel that even though I may not be part of their life, I can see them as happy. This creates peace for me and gives me clarity to go about my day. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about them, so when I do, I want to think happy thoughts. Mind over matter, right?
Understand that maybe they will change, maybe they won’t- People can change if they really want to. I believe that. I know that to be true because I’ve changed. I’ve changed drastically. People that knew me 10 years ago say I’m a completely different person, not better or worse, just different. It’s all a choice. I choose every day to be happy. I choose every day to be positive. I choose every day to chip away at my rock until I reach my diamond. I choose to be different than I was before because I choose growth. Growth changes you. Life molds you. Experiences happen. Wisdom happens. Maybe those toxic people will change, and that’s great, but maybe they won’t. I had to come to terms that certain family members of mine have NOT changed no matter how much they said they did or wanted to. I had to accept it. It’s about acceptance and realizing that as long as you’ve got yourself, you’ve got the world on a string! That’s it.
Keep going- In rougher times, I can remember feeling hopeless, like no one understood me and what I was going through behind closed doors. But, let me tell you something, it’s those times that made me the stronger person that I am today. Remember how I said I write a gratitude list every day? Well in that, I also like to write down affirmations. It’s about creating your life and taking the wheel in the driver’s seat. Yes, you can go with the flow at times, but at the end of the day, you need to be the captain of your boat. Life happens, I know this. Things come up unexpectedly, but you’ve got to have a solid foundation of where you want your life to go and who is lucky enough to join you for the ride. Where do you want your life to go 10 years from now? 5 years from now? 1 month from now? Count your blessings and look at what you’ve got that brings you joy. Maybe it’s just a roof over your head, a stable job, a handful of people that you can count on, or maybe it’s just a nice cup of coffee in the morning. Be happy with just that. That happiness will only open more doors for you because it’ll make you realize that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.
Allow yourself to feel- Let your feelings fly free when they need to be released. It’s part of healing. It’s important to obviously be rational and think logically, but when you have feelings come up, get creative with them! If you start to feel a certain way while out in public or at work, excuse yourself and take a minute to re-group! I do this from time to time. It’s totally okay, I promise. Use these feelings and emotions as an outlet to creative some epic sh*t! Seriously! Start a journal, maybe you’ll write something so inspiring that you’ll want to share it with others, write a kick-ass song or blog, start a new hobby, paint a picture, reach out to a friend, go for a walk, exercise, watch a movie, write out your goals, sing in the shower, cry in your car, it’s okay! I want you to FEEL what you’re feeling, but then let that sh*t go. Maybe you can share your story and help those that way! Whatever it is, use them to your advantage and do something great! You will not only feel so relieved, but you could inspire someone in the process, which always is a great feeling, right? Maybe just take a bath and listen to your favorite song on repeat, just allow yourself to feel.
Therapy is always an option- Therapy is there for us when we need it and it’s okay if you feel this may work for you! I’ve seen therapists plenty of times. I find that talking to friends and having a journal helps me a lot more than talking to a stranger, but YOU DO YOU. Everyone is different. Everyone has their own journey and their own story. Do what feels best for YOU because YOU are worth it.
Have faith in yourself! You can do anything you set your mind to. Breaking up with toxic people is necessary for your growth because you deserve people who bring you up and inspire you! Life can be challenging at times, but it’s in those challenges that we really blossom into better human beings!
I love you. You’ve got this. Comment any tips or thoughts you’d like to share. Let’s inspire and uplift each other! We’ve only got this life so let’s live it in the best way we can imagine and bring out the best in each other! :)
Until next time,
Ash
